The Pleasing of People

So, I’ve learned something about myself. First, you need to know that I’m a recovering people-pleaser. I used to think that people-pleasing wasn’t necessarily a bad trait to have. I mean, it’s better than being a narcissist, right? Wrong. People-pleasers can be just as selfish and controlling. 

As a people-pleaser, I set out to control the way people viewed me. I didn’t please them to give them a hand or to help out. No, I pleased in the hopes that it would make me look good or to avoid a conflict I didn’t think I was strong enough to have. I was doing my best to control the thoughts and opinions of the people around me, to control the situation I was in to make it less difficult or uncomfortable. I conformed myself to fit the role they wanted me to play. I deceived them into thinking I was a person they should like. 

Now that I’m a recovering people-pleaser, I don’t rely on their opinions of me anymore to find my self-worth. Good, right? Well, yes…but I’m quickly learning that since I don’t value how they see me anymore, I don’t care much about them at all. I would even say that I don’t like people…can’t stand them. I much rather be alone. I’m bitter and resentful when I have to be around them. 

In my people-pleasing years, they served me with their positive opinions of me. It made me feel good when they liked me or they gave me praise. Now that their opinions don’t carry much weight, they don’t serve me at all and therefore, are not worth my time or energy. What an awful way of thinking about my fellow human beings…yet, I was realizing it was the ugly truth. 

So, it’s time to go back to God and ask Him to change my heart yet again. I’m relearning what it means to have compassion and empathy. To see people the way God sees them. Not how they can serve me but how can I serve them. Because, now that I’m not consumed with changing myself to become who they need me to be, I can focus on how I can serve them from the person I already am. And, let me tell you, it’s way less exhausting. Especially, as I accept the fact that I’m not going to have what everyone needs…and that’s okay.

A Pause for Beauty

My favorite part of the week is Saturday and Sunday mornings when I take my coffee and journal outside to my porch just before the sun rises for the day. As it makes its appearance, I pause and allow the stillness of the morning to drench me, the rays of beauty to chase away the chill of the night. Knowing that if I don't stop and appreciate it in the moments it chooses to peak over the horizon, I won’t get the chance again until the next morning. So, I stop, I breathe in the crisp air, and I cast all my thoughts that are swirling in my head to the side because the beauty of the sun waking up is worth my full attention.

When Praises Turn to Screams

Lord,

Praising you has always come easy for me. I offer up my heart in surrender and in return, you fill me with Your presence. I like to think I don’t selfishly praise you to get something out of it, but I can’t say that doesn’t happen. I long for the peace you so willing pour over me. I rest in your embrace and I needily grab the calming hush that washes through my mind and heart. 

But what about the times I can’t give over my pain, my hurt, my anger. What happens when the world around me shakes so hard that I can’t stand on my own two feet. My fists clench so tight they are unable to feel anything but the pain from my fingernails. What happens when my sorrow is so great I can’t utter a word from my quivering lip. My throat so dry, praises can’t pass through it.  My brain can’t fathom anything but the despair it’s in. 

What happens then…

I believe that it’s in these times where You urge me to praise You, not for Your own gain, but for mine. You draw me so much closer in these times. It’s here where we need to cry out to You, to yell and scream, to sob, and just be still. Even if we can’t physically say the words, we need to come to you with a praising heart. With a heart that still yearns for You, just because You are You and we need nothing but You. And when everything seems like it’s being ripped away, we always and forever have You. You are a God who loves us so much that You count the tears that come from our hearts...even if those tears are the tears of frustration towards You. They are not deserved, they are not just. But even in that, You accept them so that they do not burden us anymore. 

Make it Worth Something

It dawned on me today that I need to reword my prayers. When going through a rough time, I’ve always prayed “God, what lesson are you trying to teach me?” But that's really putting the blame on God for the situation I’m in. He’s not! The situation is caused by the choices I make, other people make, and the sinful world we live in. I shouldn’t be putting that on God. Instead, my prayer should be “God, what can I learn from this? How can I grow from this?” The wording now puts the blame where it should be and puts God in a position to walk me through it. Which brings me to my next point.

If I have to go through this “shitty” situation, I need to “make it worth something”. Again, I have no control over the twists and turns of this life, but I do have control over how I react. I have faith that God will bring me through it and my prayers need to change from “God, help me get through it”, “God, make it better” to “God, if I have to do this, make it worth something. Change me, use me, bring something great out of it.” Because if I have to go down and through the coal mine, get dirty, sweaty, tired, at least I can come up with a diamond.

I’ve gone through some pretty “shitty” coal mines. My mentality has been to "just survive", "make it through". I would crawl out on the other side completely exhausted just to find out another mine is forming in the distance. 

I don’t want to waste any more years just "surviving". Situations are going to keep coming, that’s the world we live in, but instead of surviving them, I want to thrive in them. I want to become stronger, I want to inspire, I want to use them to better myself. So, my new prayer is “God, make it worth something!”

What in the world!? I have a blog!?

Soooo, it's been a minute. Like, a long minute. To be completely honest, I totally forgot I had this blog. Did some "spring cleaning"...and by "spring cleaning" what I mean is I archived ALL my old posts. A fresh start on a blog whose existence I forgot about. 

No matter, I'm here now and I chose to use this as a means to put out random thoughts from a person who can in no way actually organize her own thoughts. You're welcome. Sometimes they will make sense, other times they won't. (The grammar will be atrocious; that’s a guarantee.) Free therapy, right? My existence as a person isn't real unless it's out on social media...and I don't care for social media much, so blogger it is. 

 In all seriousness, though, I like to get my thoughts out of my head to free up space. I've been doing it on a google doc or in my journal for most of my life and I thought, "What the hell, let's post them and see if someone out there can relate." This is going to be... fun?...interesting?...helpful?...well, it will be something that’s for sure.